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Egostrokia

*beep beep beep* Teenage Thunderstorm Warning: The National Weather Service has issued a Severe Teenstorm Warning effective until the end of this entry for the following areas: Everywhere. Teenage rants can produce hellstorms; please be alert to violent emotional showers forecast for the rest of the evening. Gusts of sighing in excess of 50 mph are also possible. Remember to stay indoors away from all windows…


Yes technically with the original spelling of Perestroika it should be ‘ika’ and not ‘kia’ but it sounds far better than the first.

Anyway, where does one draw the line between self-confidence and boisterous egotism? It’s like trying to draw the line with chalk when it’s raining outside.

I’ve had many a problem with this. I’m shy and very introverted. Everybody says “You’re a great person/writer/thinker! Be confident!” but I’m worried I won’t know when to stop. I feel much safer and secure about my decisions when I’m indecisive with myself. That way, people can’t see me for any worse nor can they claim I’m trying to build myself over top of them.

But of course this causes a lot of pain too. If I don’t put myself out there enough, nobody will ever give me a chance. If I’m not confident enough, I’ll come off as a weenie with extra mustard.

This is not to say I don’t feel any pride at all. As a matter of fact I have a multitude of things to be grateful for and happy about. It’s just that people always see them in the wrong way; or rather, I project them the wrong way.

I will admit to being jealous of other people. For instance, one of my friends can write news-quality professional articles in 5 minutes but it takes me a day to squeak out something that isn’t totally informal. He’s great at everything, I’m…not. I suck at everything he can do, and every time I see an advancement I’m happy for him but depressed for me because that’s one more thing in life I suck at.

I’ve had more than once where I’ve envied popularity as well. I don’t really wanna be popular, I just want to not be in the background only known as ‘the smart one smartass’. What’s really awkward is(are?) my…sporty friends. See, to me jocks are the picture of popularity. I know I shouldn’t try to change to be like them but I don’t feel right being myself around them. They like me for who I am, so why am I worrying?

Point (for those of you looking for one): How can I be confident without being too confident? I’ve always been one to overdo stuff, good or bad.

Ok, I know this is mostly a tech blog.. but I need a place to rant.

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