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Archive for July, 2010

Humans as fragile beings

When in the course of human events it becomes a matter of conversation to question your existence, you’ll get scared. I did, and am.

Never let your mind drift to things it’s not ready to handle. Mine did, and I’m still suffering. If you can, avoid it. Because when you realize that we don’t have any meaning outside our little miniscule existence, it’s mindnumbing. It’s almost like dividing by zero for a computer. You get gridlocked into this one impossible-to-shake problem. And that’s where I am right now.

Everything else is evolving faster than the human mind can digest. But my mind refuses to let it go either.

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There’s not really a reason I keep this blog alive. Well, that’s not entirely true.

It’s not for the popularity (obviously because I don’t have any), it’s not for the money or the fame or anything else. For me, this blog is important for two reasons.

The first is that I have a select friend who cares enough about me to read this stuff anyway. It’s kind of like by writing this, I’m talking to him, and whenever I talk to him, my real raw emotions tend to come out. By posting them here, anybody else can have access to and hopefully identify with some of what I feel. It’s a bold statement but I’d just about guarantee that whatever you’re going through, you’re not alone. I’m hoping somebody will see this and realize that we’re all suffering to some extent. Some of us may have it better off but the truth is we’re all locked into our own minds, and we’re all just trying to survive.

You are not alone in the world having panic attacks, or agoraphobia, or social phobia, or OCD, or anything else. There really are people out there who understand and are willing to help. I hope you can do that and don’t have to suffer with what I’ve dealt with lately.

Don’t be ashamed to need help. Being mentally healthy can make or break your life more than a physical illness can. Even if you’re the most capable at whatever you do physically, you’ll never be able to achieve anything if you’re too scared to try. It’s important to get help for these kinds of things. And I hope that people can realize that poor mental health is not necessarily an impossible hurdle to overcome. It only becomes impossible when you let it take hold of you.

Don’t let the fear eat you like it’s eaten me. Please. You can do this. You are a capable, amazing, kind-hearted person. That applies to anyone reading this.

You can make it.

The second (selfish) reason is simply that sharing my experience helps me “deal”. I don’t know why I don’t just keep a paper journal instead of blogging. After all, this kind of thing isn’t really public material, is it? Probably not, but it should be, because too many people suffer in silence with disorders that can be handled more readily than people may think.

I’m trying to encourage people to talk about their problems because it really helps “get things off your chest”. And you may not be nearly as far out as you think. See the Children Full of Life documentary, for example. Fourth grade children are learning empathy and compassion. They’re learning how to identify with other people’s problems. More people need to teach that. More people need to be like that. In a room full of people, chances are you have something in common with at least one of them, You may even become a closer group by virtue of you being less afraid to demonstrate how you really feel. I teared up watching that documentary. It’s a beautiful sign of maturity on the part of the children and the teacher.

If there’s no other listening ear in your life, there’s always a pen and paper. Or sand and a stick, or your voice in an empty room, or a blog (or even skywriting). It’s hard to do, but accept how you feel at the moment and roll with it. Take some deep breaths, maybe close your eyes, and really get to know who you are.

Sorry for that sounding so cheesy, but as one of my favorite high school English teachers wrote in one of my journal entries we had to keep, “it always is when you talk about stuff like this”.

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I start college next month. I can’t say I’m not nervous, because it wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t. However there are a couple things I’m really looking forward to that almost alleviate all that.

For one, free software 😀 I’m not usually on Microsoft’s side, but DreamSpark is amazing. I’ve always wanted to learn Visual Studio but the Express editions felt cheap and the trials were always pressuring me to buy them. There’s no way I could swing almost 800 bucks on a professional version.

Well, I don’t have to now. Fantastic 😀 I also have Expression installing right now. It’s a web development suite akin to Flash and Dreamweaver from Adobe, except it uses Silverlight (obviously). I hate Silverlight, but at least it’s competition for Flash.

I might also be eligible for MSDN Academic Alliance too but I haven’t tried yet.

Second, it just feels good to have people that share a passion that I have. You feel like you have a purpose when other people are fighting the same cause as you. In the case of mine, that would be psychology. There are so many more resources available to me now. It’s exciting. Somebody finally cares about my passion.

Fantastic. These sure are exciting times we’re living in (and that concludes me sounding like a 50s sitcom).

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This is like the third time it’s happened to me this week. I can’t sleep. I’ve been up until 4:30 almost every night. That makes me get up late, which is awful. I hate getting up late.

Last night borders on the worst panic attacks I’ve had. Every time I tried to sleep I freaked out. My whole body seized up and got tingly, and I had to jump out of bed because I felt incredibly off-balance, and it felt like I was either spinning around or falling. I know it sounds stupid but I went into the bathroom three times and stood for a while because it’s a small space and that helps get rid of some of the dizziness.

I’m still sick today. And usually sleeping it off gets rid of this problem. That bothers me.

But this whole thing could just be an inner-ear infection.

The reason this started was because a couple weeks ago I had a really bad panic attack at night (felt like I was falling and I couldn’t hold on to anything), in front of my mom, no less, and now ever since I guess I’m living in fear of that, so now they happen nearly every night. Nothing I’ve tried has helped a lot. It just has to go away on its own.

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