Well it makes me lazy, anyway.
Ever since I started having this problem, I’ve noticed that since I’m not motivated to do much of anything because of this constant looming fear, that I just stop trying. I mean that’s not such a bad thing until you realize that I’m about to graduate from school.
It hit at a time where it was prime to destroy my adolescence, although I had panic attacks at least two years before it really hit hard. The problem though is that now I’m just starting to get out of it… but it’s kind of late for that now. It’s to the point where it’s hard for me to care about much of anything physical in the real world. It exists only as a means to live.
I’m so scared that this is going to make me unable to support myself. I’m going to do everyhing I can in order to stand on my own feet. But the problem is, with my lack of experience and all that jazz, that’s not a very large skill set. It’s unnerving to think about.
This is why I hate social networks. Everyone else is so well-to-do in life, but I’m sitting here worrying over things that should be beyond second-nature by now.
“Well, why don’t you do something about it?”
It’s a vicious cycle. I need to learn these things, but because everybody else already does, and they expect me to, they brush me off or forget that I need help with these things they can just do whenever they feel like it.
Should I blame this lack of skill on my education? I’m tempted. I hated in school how we never had home-ec. I still can’t cook — and that’ s a practical skill that fewer and fewer people learn because the focus shifts to traditional academic test-passing and athletics.
I mean I don’t need to learn how to cook, but it’s something almost everyone else seems to know how to do. At the very least, other people my age can drive or pay cashiers at the store without hyperventilating.
I…can’t. But at least that makes me unique I guess.
My problem is I try to be completely altruistic. I do not want to get paid for my job. That’s part of the reason I disagree with making money from things people produce — whether it be inventions, books, or movies, or whatever else.
It is fundamentally selfish to gain money by producing something. My ultimate view of altruism is one where you’re able to produce everything you can without asking for or expecting or demanding any kind of compensation. At the very least, you shouldn’t refuse to do work based on the fact that you might not be able to get paid for it. Do it because it helps someone, helps the environment, or advances the state of happiness in the world.
That’s the way the world should be.
But anyway, like I was saying, I don’t want to get paid for my job. If I’m able to do what I want to do (school counselor/social worker/teacher) then it would be hypocritical of me to do so.
On the side of counseling, I know from experience that school is an incredibly hard place to get along in, particularly for people who have phobias or abnormal anxiety. For me to be paid to help them would make me feel like I would be cheating the people I’m intensely interested in helping. “I’m only here to help you because I’m getting paid” kind of thing. I don’t want to feel that way.
I didn’t want to do this until I took psychology last fall. It was really on a whim — something I just scribbled down on last year’s class scheduling sheet. It was a good choice because, at least for now, it’s cemented my life’s purpose.
But after taking it I started to realize that there are tons of people out there who might need help and don’t speak out. One class where we discussed phobias and anxiety made me want to jump out of my seat and tell the whole world “YES! I’m agoraphobic!” But I resisted, barely.
I mean no these kinds of things are not necessarily physical illnesses, and it might very well-justifiably be said that they’re not as important, either. As hellish as mental issues can be, though, I’d like to challenge that. Mental disorders can make you physically ill, after all.
I want to help schoolchildren for a couple reasons. One of those is, pretty obviously, I can see myself in them. We grow up in school, and arguably most of our social education and learning to fit into society comes during school years. When someone has issues in school, whether it be educational or mental, it can affect them the rest of their lives.
I’m not really trying to “fix” people. I don’t think any kind of mental disorder is inherently bad, but if it weaves itself into someone’s life where that person is suffering or others are suffering then it becomes a problem.
I would also like to point out that in order to get anywhere in the world, it seems, you have to go through already established rails of communication. The best ideas in the world are forced through channels that are completely contradictory to their purpose.
An example of this would be the Free Software movement. This is something I am in total support of. But this idea has spread through proprietary and patented channels like the Internet and computer circuitry.
You have to distribute new ideas through already-established means. That’s frustrating.
Of course this blog is unpopular. But it would defeat the purpose to make it otherwise.