We got caught in that snowstorm last week and we’ve been without phone, Internet, and power for four days. Although we have landline phone service and Internet connectivity now, we have no running water. It’s getting better but I don’t really expect us to be back to normal until Christmas, if not later.

So I should take the opportunity while I get it to wish everyone happy holidays.

Ever since I started more actively pursuing and attacking my anxiety, I’ve read a lot of advice, one piece of which stuck with me. I was just too demotivated to follow it.

That advice, which comes from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, was to keep a journal. Or rather, to log thoughts and feelings of anxiety over a period of weeks and months and keep track of patterns of feelings and behavior. Patterns which may otherwise go unnoticed because they’re never viewed in a big span at once, but only acted out day by day.

But my problem was that I felt these patterns were blindingly obvious. I never wanted to start writing because I had the audacity about myself to assume I knew who I was very well. I knew my weak points. I knew how I would act in certain situations. I knew I’d be happy one day and sad the next. It’s just nature’s natural ebb and flow.

The funny thing about all this though is that once I did start writing, I did see patterns I’d never noticed before. I tend to use the word “impossible” a lot in the entries. I tend to write about positive things in one entry with the next being completely focused on how my positive thoughts were misdirected (I knew this, but it’s interesting to see it played out).

For a few weeks now–since mid-November–I’ve been keeping this journal on an almost steady basis of two times a week. And I plan on keeping it for quite a while.

Essentially, whenever I catch myself with a moment of free time, especially at school (which is an environment I find much easier to write in), I just start writing. How my day was, what people said to me, what I think I’m feeling.

No matter how much difficulty I find in putting that first word down to start the first sentence of an entry, I rarely hold myself back. I try to find a suitable starting point quickly so as not to lose my entire train of thought. Once I’m able to run with my feelings, I write pages. Every sentence becomes less viscous. Every paragraph becomes more in-depth. Every page sheds more light on my inner demons I can’t seem to settle with.

The first time I wrote an entry it was purely out of spite. Spite for the world, spite for other people, and spite from my inner self who couldn’t seem to have his selfish desires satisfied no matter what he did. I was exceedingly mad when I first started writing; the beginning of that first entry is rife with anger. I quickly grew more passive, though, which shows my short-term tolerance for staying angry.

Most of my entries since then have been relatively free of spite, but they’re still almost completely full of remorse. Remorse, and more painfully, longing.

Keeping a journal is much different from keeping a blog. You may well wonder why I just don’t slap what I write up here. Truthfully, it’s not so much that I don’t want to. I’m not afraid to share a lot of things with people. I just find it much easier to physically interact with my words via a pencil and paper. I can’t stand to write on the computer, especially whenever I feel like I do when I write these journal entries. I end up feeling disconnected from my head and losing motivation.

The more I write in this journal, the more I find myself trying to turn what I write into a piece of art. I am relatively unrestrained in what I write about, but I get a fair amount of joy from trying to maintain standards of writing and reading the entries back to myself. I am, pretty much, indirectly writing an autobiography.

I find it to be a successful therapy as well. I always thought I wouldn’t ever be able to express my problems and feelings to nothing but a piece of paper. I felt like I needed other people at the other end to hear me. I needed other people to respond to me and to validate me. A friend told me once that he relieved anger by writing it out, and I distinctly remember telling him that I’d never be able to release any of my feelings without someone to listen.

But truthfully, that feeling largely has gone away. When I realized how intimate I could get with my thoughts with just a pencil, paper, and a conducive environment to writing I felt a certain relief.

I can be a lot more comfortable with myself in writing than I could be with people responding to what I said. I suppose I always felt guilty about wasting someone else’s time when it was my problem to handle. At least with myself, I’m only consuming my own time.

This journal has pushed me forward by leaps and bounds in dealing with my emotional issues. It, combined with supportive and loving friends and the unshaking resolve of my parents to understand this problem has given me insight recently and made me realize what an amazing life lies before me right now.

And right now, I feel the best I’ve ever felt.

Social networking. A new way to define yourself, right? What if you don’t know who you are?

On social networking sites like MySpace I’ve started to notice that there’re two main ways people present themselves on their profiles:  In-depth,  with large lists of interests, favorite shows, books, bands — complete with titles and band names — or very vague, with nonspecific information about genre and personality and very little in the way of actual identifying characteristics.

Take me for instance. My personal profile is desert-like in emptiness. I have things to describe me but they are mostly broad generalizations. I don’t say “I like this band, and this book”, but rather “I like this style of music, and this genre of books”.

For people who fill out profiles in depth, it seems that they either don’t have a life or they have highly specified interests. Even though it would seem that people who expand their online presence to the depth they do means they don’t have anything better to do with their time, this isn’t necessarily true. Since they have so many things they can write about themselves and their interests, they far outstrip the people who generalize. They have more of a life.

As  for people like me, who are less well-gifted in socialization, in order to feel more accepted, subconsciously I “dumb down” my interests and personality in order to reach as many people as I can in the hopes that I’ll meet them and be able to talk to them, so I don’t always feel unliked or alone.

Thus, I end up generalizing my personality.

The other reason I find that I don’t explicitly state these things is that I don’t see myself as very interesting. I don’t have a wide range of hobbies or interesting things to say, nor nothing I have experienced or watched or read seems likely to spark a conversation, and that’s the ultimate downfall of my social phobia.

Sometimes I feel incompetent because everyone looks so fleshed out in life. Swimming in a text wall of accomplishments and expansive life experiences loses me in my reading pattern physically as well as in feelings of jealousy emotionally.

I find that, at least if I generalize, it makes me feel like I’m a more approachable person. And I truly believe I am approachable. But I’m also very shy. It would then seem to me that social phobic people would generalize themselves more in order to reach the widest possible spread of people in order to feel a sense of belonging and to make connections with others.

A social phobic is not very well defined in the first place. They’re swimming in a mess of who they think they are, who they feel like they should be, what other people see them as, and so on. Though every person experiences this, the anxiety raising alarm in a social phobic’s mind can feel much worse than a usual case of stress or butterflies. Like teenage identity crises, social phobics are searching hard to find themselves. They begin generalizing, to see if they can befriend other people to “find themselves” with. The desire in a social phobic to belong somewhere is very strong. Having to question one’s identity on a daily basis can make someone go mad without companionship. The vicious cycle begins when trying and failing to find that companionship makes it harder to commit to finding it again. The very people one wants to befriend are the same people who may very well make one feel uncomfortable because of the phobia.

Specific people know who they are. They don’t kid themselves or anybody else. They don’t wait around for companionship in order to feel safe in the world. They are the type of people who can define themselves in one short sentence. They are not less complex (social phobics, don’t go getting a big head please), but they do have fewer complications, if that makes any sense.

Of course, this concept doesn’t always apply. Some shy people may be overzealous in creating their profile in order to get noticed, or  extroverted people may not fill out their profiles for lack of time or lack of need (because they’re so well-known anyway).

But this was just a thought.

Ever since I wrote out that list back in June, I told myself I’d come back and do a recap of what I did and didn’t accomplish over the last two or three months. Here it is, copied directly from the list, with snazzy tick and cross icons. Comments are in italics.

• I will drive on a real, operating public road. - Got close, but never had the guts or much of a chance to.
• I will make it more than 5 miles from my house. - This was the big one. I managed to make it more than once too.
• I will overcome the pain that is a broken memory card (yes, GTA..again) - Started GTA over, got about halfway, didn’t feel motivation to finish. It’s still a check because I did start it over.
• I will consider thinking about looking for a job. If an opportunity presents itself, sure. Otherwise, this isn’t too likely. - Why a check? I did give it a lot of thought. I took some time to understand how this whole “job” thing works. I don’t have one, but now I think I can handle one.
• I will overcome more of my social phobia and be comfortable with people. I will also hopefully get people comfortable with me. I’ve lost too many friendships because I’m not social enough.- This was a toughie. While I think I managed to get some things straightened out, I don’t feel like I did enough.
• I will become more self-disciplined. - Big check here. I took on a lot more responsibility than I’ve ever had, and I managed to keep it up throughout the summer.
• I will learn more skills and metaskills that I should know by now. Mowing lawns, cooking, car maintenance, etc. - …Kind of. I can check the oil and tire pressure in a car and make burritos but that’s about all I managed to learn.
• I will be sexy by the time school starts. Oh wait I already am. A six pack would be a nice bonus though. - No six pack, but I am sexy. Like I said, I already was anyway.
• I will regain most of the Spanish I’ve lost since the class ended. I need to prepare for the third semester. I will also try to pick up more.- Nope. The most I managed to do was set my home page to Elpais.com and thumb through a book or two.
• I will hang out with a friend. I have only ever done something with someone from school over summer vacation once. - Didn’t happen. It was supposed to but things kind of fell through.
• I will (well, want to) finally send a reply to that postcard I got from Japan, probably 4 months ago. Which also entails learning how to send international mail. - No, but I have a better understanding of Japan’s postal system now. I still plan to reply.
• I will make my dad proud of me. - I can’t say for sure, but I tried really hard to finally do some things he’s wanted me to do.
• I will make the best of these 3 months. - I’d like to think I did, but in the face of everyone else, it’s hard to convince myself. Big fat バツ.

Judging the goals was kind of annoying. I did do a lot of these things, but not to a particularly satisfactory level. I consider some of them to be still in progress. Others are subjective and based on the viewpoint of someone else. To everyone else, I may not seem successful. But to me, I think I did all right.

Icons come from the amazing famfamfam “Silk” set.

I made it last time, and I just made it again yesterday. But, that’s not enough is it? We have to turn up the heat if we’re gonna get over this fear don’t we?

Yes we do.

I went in a store. Me, the agoraphobic, afraid of people, afraid of heights, messed-up-in-the-head person, went inside a store. A Wal-Mart Supercenter, to be exact.

I still had trouble (if I can’t see the exit I panic, etc.), but I pretty much looked like a normal person. I hope.

We’re making it

Everybody already knows I’m narcissistic. That’s doubtlessly one of the reasons I want to gain higher self-esteem. But I am a bit genuinely insecure. Actually, if I wasn’t so insecure I probably wouldn’t be so narcissistic.

I had an idea a while ago, probably inspired by yet another great post by Glowing Face Man, in order to help along my self-esteem. It’s pretty simple too.

In The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, there’s a chapter on self-esteem. One of the provided techniques involves using affirmations. Meaning, you list out the good qualities of yourself and read them every day, hopefully posting them in a conspicuous place, like on the side of your refrigerator. The idea of affirmations isn’t really a new one.

But, instead of doing that, or at least in addition to it, I’d like to undertake the idea of a “compliment scrapbook”. Whenever someone says something nice to you/about you, take note of it, write it down, and place it in your list of positive things. Then continue with the ritual of posting and reading the list. (ooh catchy name: Recall, Record, and Recite)

If it makes it more personal for you, also keep track of who said what, and remember that person — their tone, their look — and feel charmed that someone like them (especially if it’s someone you admire) said something nice about you.

This idea was sparked out of  my need for validation from other people. Affirmations can only do so much (I can’t keep motivated to read them, and I feel stupid when I do, etc.), but hearing something genuinely positive from someone else skyrockets my confidence.

But it’s not a fool-proof plan. For one, this is not an excuse to go seeking compliments. It’s nice to receive them, but don’t just try to get people to say something nice about you. If it’s not genuine, you won’t believe it, and it won’t work.

Be very wary of people who are naturally sarcastic or “too nice” too, because again, their voice or tone when they said it will stick out in your mind and it won’t lead you to believe the comment. Worse, you may end up with a false belief of yourself. Even if what was said was positive, if it was sarcasm, then it wasn’t genuine.

However, this is not permission to ignore negative commentary. Perhaps there is something about yourself that could use brushing up. Self-esteem is important to balance. (But yeah, ignore most of them )

The main drawback though is that it does take a certain bit of guts to talk to people. Since I’m fairly “comfortable” now with general conversation, and gotten more comfortable and trusting of other people, I can rely on their comments with a bit more assurance. It also takes a fair bit of courage to graciously accept compliments without feeling out of place and brushing them off. This is something I’m still working on.

It’s almost guaranteed that “inner-reformation” is better than relying on other people, though. After all, the only person guaranteed to always be there for you is yourself. Still, chances are, someone else in your life enjoys you, and keeping their good word in mind can really help.

Now if I could just practice what I preach…

On second thought, that’s probably not the best title for this post.

Something was brought to my attention yesterday, and it’s something I already knew, but it’s something I really need to fix.

I am atheist. Mostly. But, see, I’ve never even read the Bible . Nor have I ever been to a church service. Right there tells you how hypocritical that makes me. I mean I should give it a fair chance but frankly I don’t think I could stomach it.

But, I know what’s in there. I know from experience, from other people, without even reading, that what’s in there is something I’d rather not see.

Self-discipline is actually important here. Should I or should I not force myself to try to see things from another side? It’s only fair. It’s what I’d want people who aren’t atheist to try.

And I’ll be honest: I don’t like having my thoughts challenged. Not many people do. I’m also very easily tempered. I know it won’t be “pleasure reading” and I’ll be very likely to get infuriated. I’d rather just not try.

I hate being in this situation where I just profess for or against something without any validity behind it. It’s a very awkward place because everybody expects you to back it up with something. It’s not fair for me to just hate the religion.

Maybe this will help to explain my situation better: I’m not specificially atheist, I’m just not Christian and I don’t follow any other religion. Agnostic? Perhaps.

If people would get less worked up about it, I wouldn’t care as much. The fact that anyone takes any of it seriously is both amazing and hilarious (yes, that includes me, because if I didn’t take it seriously I wouldn’t be against it). The believers or the non, both are in the same boat.

If there is a god in the Christian sense, then I’m going to hell. The lowest level of hell.

This is where ‘reality expansion’ techniques come into play. In order to learn more about myself and the rest of the world, I need to be self-disciplined enough to actually want to study it. I need to give everything in the world a fair chance, so my eyes can open a little bit more. I’m not nearly as open-minded as I wish I was. So, if I want to change that, I have to try to change that.

Poorly written post? You bet. Eh, it’s an off day. Didn’t sleep well, etc.

How about…something like this:

It may not look like much, but this is the farthest me and my thumb have been in 6 years. It’s probably…a bit over half an hour from my house.

The reason I didn’t get a full-body shot? I was too scared to get out of the car and look like an idiot having my picuture taken. And my thumb was the only part of my body I could aim the camera toward.

You could say I was excited. I was. But today, afterwards, it really doesn’t feel all that remarkable. I kind of wish I felt better about it. Frankly I expected more of an emotional high than I’m getting.

Maybe I’m just depressed that I haven’t tried it before now?

But I still managed to do it. Getting there was all the trouble. I kept putting my head down, trying to do deep breathing, and everything else. My whole lower abdomen came into my throat.

But I fought it. Chances are I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for my dad. I didn’t want to waste his time.

That’s how you finish a goal list.

I feel *loved* I suppose, family love and all that, but the kind of love I’m referring to here is that warm fuzzy feeling of casual conversation. More specifically, the reciprocation of that conversation.

See, there are people I would do almost anything to be friends with. I feel like on more than one occasion I’ve pretty much thrown myself at them. At one point I was probably borderline stalking them, but I knew it was weird so I stopped.

I have managed more conversation and contact with them lately than I ever thought possible. Talking, surprisingly in person, and it just felt “right”. I was over my fear and over what I thought their perceptions of me were.

Now whether or not a friendship has formed, I can’t say. I would certainly hope so. If it would, my social phobia would probably almost be cured instantaneously. I’m only slightly exaggerating.

But lately, having tried conversations again, they don’t last long. I can’t tell if they’re just out of things to say or if they’re just genuinely not interested. I keep hoping for a response but rarely get one.

The problem, after years of scientific research and millions of dollars in expensive tests, is quite simply thus: I’m too self-centered.

“Wait, you had to pay to have that figured out?”, you say. Not with money, but it’s took a nice big chunk out of my mental state.

I think the reason it’s hard for me to keep this semi-friendship going, and the reason I’ve lost many others, is because I’m self-conscious. I’m so scared, so worried, and yes sometimes so arrogant, that I don’t focus on the other person enough.

Why would they talk to me if all I yapped about was myself? What reason do they have to respond to that conversation? If they do, it’s either out of kindness or they don’t notice. Chances are though, they notice.

The rule in general is that people love to talk about themselves. Would you want to be in a conversation where the only thing going on was someone else complaining or bragging about themselves? Would you not feel a bit disheartened or unimportant?

Yes, yes you would. Not to assume anything about you, but chances are you’d get fed up fairly quickly.

Conversation is a resuscitative cyclic action. One person talks, the other responds. The catch is, it also has to be resuscitative. One’s topic has to spark the other’s interest, otherwise the conversation will die on the dance floor.

I need to stop being self-focused. I do care about other people, but sometimes I really think I might be trying too hard. I worry so much about their impressions, I forget to take into account how they’re feeling. I get so excited they might actually like me that I forget about me taking the effort to get to know them.

But how do I get better at this?

When I start talking to someone, I try to build rapport by shaking off the nervousness with humor. Afterwards though, I’m not sure if it’s because I want them to see me as an equal and I want to be thought of as approachable, or perhaps it’s a technique for garnering sympathy, I start sneaking stuff about myself into the conversation.

This leads us back to the previous problem. I’m trying so hard to expose myself and be myself that I overdo it and lose the other person’s interest because I focus too much on my own inner problems and nitpicks.

In some ways, I’m seeking every social phobic’s dream: social validation. If I could just get a response and know that I’m liked, I’d stop trying so hard.

I need to just suck it up, turn to them, and say “How are you?”. These three little words (or lack of them) are half the reason my social life has deteriorated.

I still have hope, nestled somewhere in my mind. I can’t explain why, but I feel sure that things will be fine. It also leaves for hopeful thoughts of what they might think of me. Perhaps I’m cool after all

Yet another goal goes on that list, methinks: “I will allow other people more freedom in conversation so they can feel more comfortable with me.”

I just had one of my very common oh-so-clever epiphanies a while ago:

I’m a PC.

What I mean is, my personality resembles Windows. It’s clunky and not very modularized. And due to social phobia, I also resemble Windows in that every time something changes, I need to be validated.

Every time something in my life happens that evokes a change, I usually fervently look for reassurance that everything is still going to be stable.

This is especially true if you compare it to why Windows checks hardware changes. It tries to make sure the license key it’s running under is still on the same computer it started on. I need to be assured that I can still maintain the same level of comfort and calmness that I started with. Otherwise we both error out.

Now, if I resembled something like Linux, I’d be a lot better off. It’s modularized, very flexible, and doesn’t hiccup at every little change. However it’s also very finicky to set up, or it can be a lot of the time. It also makes me feel more like I’m in control, which is very important for ego-headed masterminds like me

Actually, being in control is a big part of handling a fear. I may not know Linux internals like the back of my hand, but the option and help is there if I need it. I can change it. I can mod it. I can theme it. I can control it. Hell I can even compile it if I took the time to learn how and gather the tools.

I suppose I live between these two worlds. I’m like Windows in that I’m slow, clunky and inflexible, but resemble Linux in that I’m not usually perfectly functional out of the box. It takes a lot of tweaking to get me going/comfortable with something.

What I need to become is the opposite of both. I need Windows’ instant ubiquity, comfortable and compatible with many situations and people; and I need Linux’s composure and flexibility when something comes along to change my environment or my circumstances.

Why did I not mention Mac, you ask? Well, it’s just UNIX with a six-pack.

On second thought, maybe I should aim to be more like a Mac..hmm.

Yes I did just compare my personality to operating systems.