I feel *loved* I suppose, family love and all that, but the kind of love I’m referring to here is that warm fuzzy feeling of casual conversation. More specifically, the reciprocation of that conversation.
See, there are people I would do almost anything to be friends with. I feel like on more than one occasion I’ve pretty much thrown myself at them. At one point I was probably borderline stalking them, but I knew it was weird so I stopped.
I have managed more conversation and contact with them lately than I ever thought possible. Talking, surprisingly in person, and it just felt “right”. I was over my fear and over what I thought their perceptions of me were.
Now whether or not a friendship has formed, I can’t say. I would certainly hope so. If it would, my social phobia would probably almost be cured instantaneously. I’m only slightly exaggerating.
But lately, having tried conversations again, they don’t last long. I can’t tell if they’re just out of things to say or if they’re just genuinely not interested. I keep hoping for a response but rarely get one.
The problem, after years of scientific research and millions of dollars in expensive tests, is quite simply thus: I’m too self-centered.
“Wait, you had to pay to have that figured out?”, you say. Not with money, but it’s took a nice big chunk out of my mental state.
I think the reason it’s hard for me to keep this semi-friendship going, and the reason I’ve lost many others, is because I’m self-conscious. I’m so scared, so worried, and yes sometimes so arrogant, that I don’t focus on the other person enough.
Why would they talk to me if all I yapped about was myself? What reason do they have to respond to that conversation? If they do, it’s either out of kindness or they don’t notice. Chances are though, they notice.
The rule in general is that people love to talk about themselves. Would you want to be in a conversation where the only thing going on was someone else complaining or bragging about themselves? Would you not feel a bit disheartened or unimportant?
Yes, yes you would. Not to assume anything about you, but chances are you’d get fed up fairly quickly.
Conversation is a resuscitative cyclic action. One person talks, the other responds. The catch is, it also has to be resuscitative. One’s topic has to spark the other’s interest, otherwise the conversation will die on the dance floor.
I need to stop being self-focused. I do care about other people, but sometimes I really think I might be trying too hard. I worry so much about their impressions, I forget to take into account how they’re feeling. I get so excited they might actually like me that I forget about me taking the effort to get to know them.
But how do I get better at this?
When I start talking to someone, I try to build rapport by shaking off the nervousness with humor. Afterwards though, I’m not sure if it’s because I want them to see me as an equal and I want to be thought of as approachable, or perhaps it’s a technique for garnering sympathy, I start sneaking stuff about myself into the conversation.
This leads us back to the previous problem. I’m trying so hard to expose myself and be myself that I overdo it and lose the other person’s interest because I focus too much on my own inner problems and nitpicks.
In some ways, I’m seeking every social phobic’s dream: social validation. If I could just get a response and know that I’m liked, I’d stop trying so hard.
I need to just suck it up, turn to them, and say “How are you?”. These three little words (or lack of them) are half the reason my social life has deteriorated.
I still have hope, nestled somewhere in my mind. I can’t explain why, but I feel sure that things will be fine. It also leaves for hopeful thoughts of what they might think of me. Perhaps I’m cool after all 
Yet another goal goes on that list, methinks: “I will allow other people more freedom in conversation so they can feel more comfortable with me.”
